Reflections on co-dependency

Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ … for each one should carry his own load. (Galatians 6:2a, 5)

Co-dependency involves doing too much for a person, because “each one should carry his own load”. A friend in a 12 step group gave me this definition of enabling: “Doing something for someone that the person needs to do for him or herself”. I do not believe that people are free from co-dependency when they let other people take care of their responsibilities without their help while they concentrate on taking care of their own responsibilities. I do not think that that approach is caring, I think it is selfish. It also does not demonstrate interdependence, which should define healthy relationships.

One of the keys is WHY you are helping the other person. If you are doing it to enhance your self esteem, then you may have good intentions, but you are not truly loving, because you are doing it for yourself and often out of compulsion. The main way that I can tell that I am enabling someone is when I start to resent them. Then I realize that I am helping them because I think I have to rather than because I really want to. Caring done out of compulsion is not true caring. True caring is done because you want to, and you don't care what the person's response is. It is giving an unconditional gift. God’s love is like that.

In addition to WHY you are helping the person, the other key is WHAT IS THE BEST WAY to help them. Usually the best way to help people is to empower them (unless they are truly not capable). The reason that this is better than doing it for them is because it helps them learn and grow as people, whereas doing something for them often results in them doing and learning very little. That is why I like my friend's question: "Am I doing something for this person that he/she needs to be doing for him or herself?" to determine if I am helping too much (i.e. enabling). Helping people with their ordinary day-to-day responsibilities is done when you WANT TO. I find that not only do I feel resentful towards people when I enable them, but they resent me also because I am not treating them like responsible, capable adults. Enabling is very destructive to relationships.

When people are going through difficult experiences (loss, illness, etc.) that is the time to help them even if you don’t want to (“carry each other’s burdens”) – that is sacrificial love. The amazing thing is that as we are conformed to the image of Christ, we WANT TO help people more and more, so it becomes a joy rather than a sacrifice.