Helping People Without Enabling

A friend gave me the following definition for enabling: “Doing things for people that they need to be doing for themselves.” In trying to help people, I have often fallen into this trap. I call it a trap because it doesn’t work; what ends up happening is that I do things for the person but feel resentful, while the other person enjoys having things done for him/her, resents me for babying him/her, or in most cases, some combination of the two. In seeking a way out of this trap, I use the following Scripture as a guideline:

Galatians 6:2,5 “Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ … for each one should carry his own load.”

At first glance, this may seem like a contradiction, but it is not. The Greek word translated “burdens” is baros, which means “weight” or “heavy”, while the Greek word translated “load” is phortion which means “a task or service”. We are to help people carry burdens which are heavy on them; the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, etc. while each adult is to shoulder his or her own personal responsibilities (supporting him or herself, managing money, etc.). When helping people in crisis, take note of whether it is a normal event, or a repetitive situation caused by their own choices. If the latter, the goal should be to help them move toward responsible independence, or rather, appropriate interdependence – on God and on others. Not doing so creates unhealthy dependency which is not good for either party. Compassionate people with the gift of mercy are particularly prone to enabling. If you think you might be prone to this, ask yourself before helping someone, “Is this something that the person needs to be doing for himself?” [I wish there was a gender neutral possessive pronoun in English that could be applied to people]. If so, don’t do it. You will actually be helping the other person more by encouraging him to grow as a person by taking personal responsibility.

Example:
Helping: encouraging someone who is looking for a job, holding him/her accountable if necessary
Enabling: finding a job for someone

Again, I find that asking myself the question helps clarify the appropriate action in each situation. There may be other circumstances to be considered, such as mental illness, and someone who has not been used to taking personal responsibility for himself is going to take some time to learn how, but in general I find that people tend to be capable of more than we think they are and rise to the occasion.